Really...

Still no word from that girl I met almost two weeks ago after she texted and called me last Friday. I'm not exactly sure what I did to piss her off.
Maybe it's just my cheerful nature.

Still writing

Even if I'm not always posting the results.
Not everything is worth sharing.
This is coming from a guy who had no problem sharing that I haven't had sex in ten years.
I'm coming to the realization that I want to be in a relationship, but I can't just do that with anyone. It has to mean something.
A little over a year ago I met a girl on plenty of fish. We were hitting it off and I went to go meet her. Right away she started talking about having kids and getting married. This is date one.
My love history is kind of crap. It's no wonder I romanticize what M and I had together.

Leaving it alone, it works

She texted me earlier wanting to hang out. Unfortunately, I have to be at work in a little while. Otherwise I would have gone over there. Dammit!

Also

I am sick. My nose is running. Last night I was feverish. I generally feel like shit.
It's not like I could really do anything with her if she did call me.
I was just on Facebook. We know a couple of the same people, so I went over to her page and took a look. Just photos. I am obsessing now. I have to stop.
Closed the page. Going to work on my friend's website.

Disappearing act

If something keeps happening to you situation after situation, you have to come to the conclusion that you're the problem, right?
Case in point, I met a girl at work and she seemed in to me and wanted to hang out after she went over to her friend's place. I say cool, call me.
She didn't call that night. I text her the next day and say fell asleep, maybe we can do something later today or tomorrow. I hear nothing back.
At this point I'm about ready to write her off, but I am an optimist at heart so I giver her a call. Voicemail. Joy. I leave a voicemail. No pressure, just give me a call when  you can, you have my number.
That was the day before yesterday and I have not heard a single thing from this girl. I didn't message or call her yesterday or today. The ball is entirely in her court. I will probably never see or speak to her again.
I can't even pinpoint what it is I did or said to her that put her off. I'm just not good with the beginning part of relationships where everything is so fragile. It was probably a comment that I would never think twice of saying and boom she's gone.
Or maybe I have a stalker that gets rid of any girl with the slightest interest in me. That would suck too.

Strange conversations

The strangest conversation I've ever had was in a Krispy Kreme drive through.
A little back story. The lady working inside had previously worked with me at a different location.
Lady: Hey Jason.
Me: Oh, hi! How are you?
Lady: I'm good. Did you hear Charlene killed herself in  prison?
At this point the car behind me started honking and I had to go. I never saw her again. I have no idea why Charlene was in prison. We used to hang out and go have drinks after work and almost five years after the last time I saw her, she is dead at her own hands in prison for a crime I can't even imagine. My devastation at this news I heard third hand is miniscule compared to the suffering her family felt.
There is no editorial for this. It just popped into my head because I heard a song that had the same be as her daughter. Every time I hear it I both wish I knew more and that whatever happened hadn't.

God, sometimes you just don't come through.

 
   When I look back, I'm not sure I ever believed in any sort of god.
   That might look a little bleak to some of you, but let me elaborate a little. There were times when I've thought god was real, sure, but belief requires faith. Faith is a thing I've never felt a capacity for within myself.
  Which is not to say I didn't want to believe. I truly did. I've tried to have faith, but I can believe two impossible things before breakfast and still find god beyond credulity.
  I guess it's helpful sometimes to ask yourself if god shaped holes actually exist within ourselves. Also, what shape, exactly, is god?  I think if such an aperture exists, it must be very small and more dependent on Maslow than messiah.
 I've always thought religion to be the most personal thing about a person, and, if asked, I will just say Buddhist because most people don't know that it requires no faith, nor does Buddhism really require anything of you in the way of dogma or proselytizing. They are a fairly chill bunch and I thank them for that.
  I don't care about peoples' religion. I do care about how they treat the people around them. I don't care if you honor the sabbath on Sunday or Saturday or Friday, but for the love of all that is good, don't jump Bill Nye because he's trying to tell you the truth. Bill Nye is awesome. Seriously.

Sex? I suppose that's a thing.

    I am about to make an embarrassing confession that is painful and very personal. I'm not sure why I'm doing this on my very public blog with I'm sure tens of eyes staring balefully at my words, but this project requires that I write every day, being a diary and all, so here goes. A personal confession to the world.
    I have not had sex in ten years. Not sure exactly how that happens to a person who's not asexual and not me, but most of it is due to being painfully shy.
   I'm sure those of you who read my first post are wondering how I've not done the deed in so long if I had a girlfriend less than two years ago. She was saving herself for marriage. I thought she was saving herself for me. Sadly, that is not the case.
   I'm not sure I am still capable of sex. I mean I know the basic mechanics, but my first thoughts are always fear. What if I'm bad in bed? What if I never get another chance? What if I have no capacity to love left inside me? I'm torn to pieces with anxiety over this subject and my first reaction is usually to change the subject if it comes up. Flirting is very uncomfortable for me.
  I'm sure there are questions. I will try to anticipate a couple of them.
  Why haven't you tried a singles bar or other such similar place where people go for that sort of thing? Did I mention that I'm very shy? Especially when it comes to women.
  Did you know that there are women that you can pay to be nice to your penis? Yes, but I'm afraid of getting arrested for trying.
Don't you feel that biological drive to procreate? To sow your seed and reap children? Sure. It comes and goes, but I am not all that fired up to be a father. I can barely take care of myself sometimes.
If you have a question I haven't covered here, go ahead and post it in the comments. I will answer any reasonable question asked in honest curiosity.

Blu Electronic Cigarettes

   A couple of weeks ago I purchased the Blu electronic cigarette to try to curb my smoking and save money. So far my will power has not allowed me to do this. I am a weak weak man.
   I have quit smoking before using nicotine substitution devices such as gums, lozenges, and patches. I think the difference here is that I don't feel there is a significant reason for me to quit smoking.
   My need to live is starting to outweigh my love of smoking. I only wish that Blu came as a pipe. I could really get behind a crazy electronic meerschaum.

Steve Rogers' American Captain

http://americancaptaincomic.tumblr.com/
For those of you who are fans of Marvel, this comic is a breath of fresh air, letting you see Steve Rogers as a humble guy who has normal nothing days like everyone else. To those of you only know him from The Avengers movie, there's lots of good stuff here for you, too.

Sometimes I have to wonder about myself. I have no choice.

Yesterday, my brother Aaron, (a sage and honorable man), told me that I should not worry about things over which I have no control. That is much easier said than done. My whole life is a long dark teatime of the soul.
I work third shift and, while I do try to keep my mind on the task at hand, my mind tends to wander.
Most of the time I think about things I want to write or finding that special someone I can spend the rest of my life laughing through to the end, but sometimes I rehash old conversations, specifically conversations with my last girlfriend, M. (No names. If you know me, you know who I mean. If not, I prefer to leave it at this. Honestly, this is not about calling anyone out or making people choose sides. I already decided against doing that on Facebook. I would just like to talk about this.)
Side notes aside, as it were, she broke off our relationship almost two years ago. I'll be working and something will remind me of a turn of phrase she used once. The next thing I know, I'll be having a full blown conversation with the ghost of her memory.
As you can imagine, this is problematic. On one hand, I want to be healed of this ache and loneliness. On the other, I just want her back.
The following is something I posted on Facebook after one of my fugues.

I admit there's still a part of me that would take her back, no questions asked, but every day that shrinks a little giving way to the part that remembers how I helped her through some of the toughest parts of her life. How I stayed and talked when others would have run. I let her in. Truthfully, one of the hardest things for me and I did it because I wanted us to work. I truly loved and valued her, but she dropped me at a very low point and I was surprised that didn't kill me stone dead, but I got through it with the help of some very special people, and I met some of the best dudes ever who I am proud to call my friends. I will come out of the other side of this, changed and stronger. I am a phoenix.

Sometimes those words seem braver than I feel. Okay, most times they do.  I want to be the guy who wrote that. More than ever, I am, but every day has been a struggle.
At least I no longer cry when I hear music.