Sometimes I have to wonder about myself. I have no choice.

Yesterday, my brother Aaron, (a sage and honorable man), told me that I should not worry about things over which I have no control. That is much easier said than done. My whole life is a long dark teatime of the soul.
I work third shift and, while I do try to keep my mind on the task at hand, my mind tends to wander.
Most of the time I think about things I want to write or finding that special someone I can spend the rest of my life laughing through to the end, but sometimes I rehash old conversations, specifically conversations with my last girlfriend, M. (No names. If you know me, you know who I mean. If not, I prefer to leave it at this. Honestly, this is not about calling anyone out or making people choose sides. I already decided against doing that on Facebook. I would just like to talk about this.)
Side notes aside, as it were, she broke off our relationship almost two years ago. I'll be working and something will remind me of a turn of phrase she used once. The next thing I know, I'll be having a full blown conversation with the ghost of her memory.
As you can imagine, this is problematic. On one hand, I want to be healed of this ache and loneliness. On the other, I just want her back.
The following is something I posted on Facebook after one of my fugues.

I admit there's still a part of me that would take her back, no questions asked, but every day that shrinks a little giving way to the part that remembers how I helped her through some of the toughest parts of her life. How I stayed and talked when others would have run. I let her in. Truthfully, one of the hardest things for me and I did it because I wanted us to work. I truly loved and valued her, but she dropped me at a very low point and I was surprised that didn't kill me stone dead, but I got through it with the help of some very special people, and I met some of the best dudes ever who I am proud to call my friends. I will come out of the other side of this, changed and stronger. I am a phoenix.

Sometimes those words seem braver than I feel. Okay, most times they do.  I want to be the guy who wrote that. More than ever, I am, but every day has been a struggle.
At least I no longer cry when I hear music.